1001 Ways to Torture a Cat Article

Some of the following statements from the article:

1. Kick It Around, you know when the fucker get's in your way, whether it be when your taking a shit and it comes in and watches, or when your sleeping and it sits on your face.Just put a little force into it and BLAM!The fucker goes flying.It's especially nice to watch a cat go flying on a wood floor, with all four spread, doing 360's and crying like a Mexican without his burrito.Kicking him from under (like under the stomach) let's loose a flying cat ,spinning and twirling in the air.

2. Tail Tricks.....this is the fun part.... Seeing the cat can't really get to its tail,you can do shit with it and the cat it defenseless.Try tying the cat's tail to his front paw, cuz everytime it walks, it's tail get's pulled, looks like some diseased person trying to walk.Or even better, get a nice grab of the tail, and start spinning the cat around using it,the cat will have to take the pain,cuz by force of nature, it can't reach it's paws around to scratch you since it's spinning so fast it's paws are spread-eagle like.If you have glue, and the cat's tail is long enough, or maybe just a tad shorter, you can glue it's tail to it's nose, which is cool.The cat moves his head and his ass comes up with it (how'z that for a chain reaction)Like it'll be walking around town with it's ass all dangling up, all the other furry fucks will ram it up, which in turn, will make the cat freak when it tries to sit down (get it?).But that's kinda mean.

3.Wiskers (heh, heh, heh)...Ok you know who you are people, you kind that clips the cat's wiskers and laughs like hell.Cat's use wiskers to navigate in the dark, like when entering a tight spot, their wiskers will tell them if they're about to run into something (kind of like those cadillacs with those metal tubes sticking out the side).So what do you do?You cut the fuckers wiskers, down to you start getting fur.Then you gotta through the cat in a closet, and open the door,oh, about four inches.The cat will naturally be fucked and stunned that use humans would do such a thing (it probably is equlivant of a cat cutting off your dick) and he'll start bumping around, wondering what the fuck..So you just sit there and laugh your ass off.The cat might eventually make it's way out  of the closet, but maybe you could, hmmm.Find something else to do with it after that?(grin>

4. Pillow Case....Well, this is kind of funny.....All you do is throw the little fuck in a pillow case, and go into an open room (you don't want to beat it to death, well, not yet adleast).And start swinging the fucker around in circles, again and again, the cat will probably crying for its life (but don't give in to it's whining, cuz when it gets out, it wants blood) keep swinging it around and around , faster and faster,stop when your too dizzy to figure out where the cat is, then open the pillow case and let the bastard fall out (it WILL fall ,believe me). You got make sure you can see it (cuz your gonna me almost as dizzy).The fucker will be sitting there, moving it's head in circles, still thinking it spinning.This is the good part, cuz as far as the cat knows, it's totally high on Catnip or something.You can do anything it's up to you.

4.Water....We all know that cats hate water more than dogs, and would rather travel in a car then deal with it.But cat's are funny as hell in water.Try filling up a tub, or a sink, or something with water in it that the cat will fit in.Throw the fucker in for a minute or two (unless it's definately going to drown, we'll talk about killing them later) and watch it squeal..They act like water is acid or something and yet they still drink water out of the toilet when none is available ( these fuckers gotta get their facts straight).After the cat has had enough torture, grab it by the ear, or tail, or get a good grab around it's head and throw it out (throw it outside you fool).When a cat gets wet (especially a long-haired cat) they look like giant ferrets, really nasty like (which might persuade you to do something else, like nail it to a 2 by 4 and shoot it full of b-b's) but don't hurt it too bad.

5. Misc. shit....Stick the cat in the microwave (no,really) and don't turn it on (yet) just let it sit there, and look through the little see-through window...It should be scared as hell, since it's in a real tight spot, can't move much at all.....If you really want to screw the fucker, nuke it! Just nuke it for 20 seconds at a time....The cat will start squirming at about 10 seconds (depending on the wattage of the Microwave)...After 30 seconds the cat will defenitely have radiation poisoning, which will probably kill it in a month or less.If you nuke it for a minute ,you'll probably kill it, depending of the size of the cat, the microwave cooks inside out, so after a minute, it's intestines and lung will be a little toasty, maybe killing it, if not, probably sterilizing it or leaving it a slow and terrible death.Of course, you can go "All-Out" if you REALLY express rage for it, and can nuke it for 5 minutes..This is NOT for the Squimish..I DO know someone who did this, and saw it..It was pretty fucking gross, and being the cat hater I am, I still felt sorry for it.In 30 seconds, it starts kicking and screaming and freaking out (which brings me to the point, you gotta make sure the door can't be opened, and you gotta make sure you don't want the microwave anymore).In 1 minute, it was started to spaz like nothing you've ever seen before, and some blood was coming from it's mouth due to internal cuts the Nuking did, all types of seizures and some last moans were following at 2 minutes.At about 2 and a half minutes, the cat was still alive, it's pupils were dialated and it was twitching like someone stuck a Electrolysis gun up it's ass....At 3 minutes, it's almost dead...The smell of the cat would make any mortician throw up, that's why I would suggest alot of open windows and doors and some type of gas mask on.The last 2 minutes it the cool part....Now that the fucker is dead (for a good reason too) it's time to watch the fireworks...I think at arond 4 minutes, the cat started popping, it's eyeballs literally popped out of it's sockets, and the blood started to ooze, not a pretty sight....At about, 4 mins 15 seconds, it's fur starts to curl (although it was already crispy) and about 5 minutes, the microwave is one big slaughterhouse.Which brings me to clean up... DON'T!I said earlier, Nuke the cat in a microwave you no longer want to use( not to mention the microwave is probably broken anyway).Just throw the microwave away and chuckle off a couple laughs...Even take poloraids if you want.
Your probably saying, how the fuck is he going to write another 996 ways to torture a cat?Well, the answer is he ain't.
Another Morbid file Written by Ares--11/28/88

Me: At first I thought he would be stupid pubescent boy, but knows far to much about it, what do you think? It's on : http://stupid-ideas.blogspot.com/1998/05/1001-ways-to-torture-cat.html