Register And Restrict Cell Phones

Whereas: The use of cell phones has proliferated beyond measure from the time of their introduction in the Eighties, and

Whereas: The size and cost of cell phones has diminished to the point that what was once a bulky and expensive tool for important communication and dire emergencies has devolved to a dangerous, annoying and dangerously annoying easily-concealed toy for idiots, and

Whereas: The widespread, irresponsible use of cell phones in motor vehicles has turned our peaceful roads and highways into ribbons of death on which garrolous jackasses mix the blood and entrails of Our People with the twisted metal and noxious fluids of SUVs, Minivans, and the like to run like foul rivers down our curbsides and into our culverts, and

Whereas: A single cell phone user has been statistically shown to be more dangerous behind the wheel than a vanload of 17-year old heavily-armed Goth tweakers with methedrine IVs in their wrists and a bottle of Jack Daniels in each of their hands on their to a Marilyn Manson concert, and

Whereas: The constant yammer emitted from the users of these devices has annoyed, aggravated, and beleagured our Most Sane and Sensible People, lessened their ability to pursue Productive Activities, and invaded their Solitude and Quiet Contemplation at theaters, supermarkets, job sites, libraries, restaurants, & c.  and

Whereas: The introduction of the Hideous and Demonic Blootuth Devices has made it impossible to distinguish the Sane from the Deranged among the hoardes of walking, soloquizing Zombies shambling about out Streets and Parks,

WE THE UNDERSIGNED most respectfully urge the Legislatures of the Several States and that of the united States to adopt such emergency legislation as will combat the foregoing abuses, by specifically requiring:

1.  The immediate registration at both the State and Federal level of all cell phones and blootuth devices

2. Retroactive licensing of all cell phone users contingent on a review of their call records for abuse or overuse, passing of a psychological evaluation by three licensed practioners, one of which shall be chosen by the State, another by the applicant's neighbors or co workers, and the third drawn at random from a hat.

3.That all new or prospective users undergo the same evaluation and complete a three-month waiting period during which a seperate review by Law Enforcement shall be conducted.

4. A device to be installed in every motor vehicle that will, upon detection of a cell phone signal, close all windows, lock all doors, shut down air conditioning systems and emit hydrogen sulfide gas from all interior vents in bursts of five cubic feet at 15 second intervals until the signal ceases.

5.  An outright ban on cell phones having the following characteristics:
     a. Ringtones other than a standard telephone bell
      b. A screen or screens larger than one inch diagonally measured
      c. A total weight, excluding accessories, of less than seven pounds
      d. An exterior antenna shorter than five feet
      e. ANY "interior" (concealed) antenna
      f.  An exterior in any color other than "putty," or antigue, yellowed       "putty"

6. That minutes must only be purchased at a Government Office and the quantity limited to 30 said minutes in any calendar month.  Such minutes may "roll over" at a reasonable surcharge not to be less than the greater of five dollars each or 95% of their initial rate.  Said Office shall be open from 1:30 PM to 3:25 PM on alternate Tuesdays, and no "website" may be maintained by such Office offering or facilitating the sale of said minutes.

7. Owners of all cell phones with the capabilities of receiving or sending text messages  to obtain an Advanced License by passing a competency test administered and reviewed by three Eighth Grade English teachers, one of whom shall be the user's own and the others to be appointed by that teacher.  All "texting" shall be in Standard English and properly punctuated and capitalized.  After January 1st, 2011, "texting" shall be done only in Latin

8. That all blootuth devices shall be equipped with a speaker system that will play the message "I AM NOT CRAZY. I AM ON MY PHONE" every 15 seconds while such devices are active.

9.That anyone who uses any cell phone in a Public Place shall first put on a sign, legible at fifty feet, with the user's cell phone and home number and the request "Call me if I am annoying you."  Such sign will be displayed on both the front and back of the user.



     


Whereas:

Whereas: The use of cell phones has proliferated beyond measure from the time of their introduction in the Eighties, and

Whereas: The size and cost of cell phones has diminished to the point that what was once a bulky and expensive tool for important communication and dire emergencies has devolved to a dangerous, annoying and dangerously annoying easily-concealed toy for idiots, and

Whereas: The widespread, irresponsible use of cell phones in motor vehicles has turned our peaceful roads and highways into ribbons of death on which garrolous jackasses mix the blood and entrails of Our People with the twisted metal and noxious fluids of SUVs, Minivans, and the like to run like foul rivers down our curbsides and into our culverts, and

Whereas: A single cell phone user has been statistically shown to be more dangerous behind the wheel than a vanload of 17-year old heavily-armed Goth tweakers with methedrine IVs in their wrists and a bottle of Jack Daniels in each of their hands on their to a Marilyn Manson concert, and

Whereas: The constant yammer emitted from the users of these devices has annoyed, aggravated, and beleagured our Most Sane and Sensible People, lessened their ability to pursue Productive Activities, and invaded their Solitude and Quiet Contemplation at theaters, supermarkets, job sites, libraries, restaurants, & c.  and

Whereas: The introduction of the Hideous and Demonic Blootuth Devices has made it impossible to distinguish the Sane from the Deranged among the hoardes of walking, soloquizing Zombies shambling about out Streets and Parks,

WE THE UNDERSIGNED most respectfully urge the Legislatures of the Several States and that of the united States to adopt such emergency legislation as will combat the foregoing abuses, by specifically requiring:

1.  The immediate registration at both the State and Federal level of all cell phones and blootuth devices

2. Retroactive licensing of all cell phone users contingent on a review of their call records for abuse or overuse, passing of a psychological evaluation by three licensed practioners, one of which shall be chosen by the State, another by the applicant's neighbors or co workers, and the third drawn at random from a hat.

3.That all new or prospective users undergo the same evaluation and complete a three-month waiting period during which a seperate review by Law Enforcement shall be conducted.

4. A device to be installed in every motor vehicle that will, upon detection of a cell phone signal, close all windows, lock all doors, shut down air conditioning systems and emit hydrogen sulfide gas from all interior vents in bursts of five cubic feet at 15 second intervals until the signal ceases.

5.  An outright ban on cell phones having the following characteristics:
     a. Ringtones other than a standard telephone bell
      b. A screen or screens larger than one inch diagonally measured
      c. A total weight, excluding accessories, of less than seven pounds
      d. An exterior antenna shorter than five feet
      e. ANY "interior" (concealed) antenna
      f.  An exterior in any color other than "putty," or antigue, yellowed       "putty"

6. That minutes must only be purchased at a Government Office and the quantity limited to 30 said minutes in any calendar month.  Such minutes may "roll over" at a reasonable surcharge not to be less than the greater of five dollars each or 95% of their initial rate.  Said Office shall be open from 1:30 PM to 3:25 PM on alternate Tuesdays, and no "website" may be maintained by such Office offering or facilitating the sale of said minutes.

7. Owners of all cell phones with the capabilities of receiving or sending text messages  to obtain an Advanced License by passing a competency test administered and reviewed by three Eighth Grade English teachers, one of whom shall be the user's own and the others to be appointed by that teacher.  All "texting" shall be in Standard English and properly punctuated and capitalized.  After January 1st, 2011, "texting" shall be done only in Latin

8. That all blootuth devices shall be equipped with a speaker system that will play the message "I AM NOT CRAZY. I AM ON MY PHONE" every 15 seconds while such devices are active.

9.That anyone who uses any cell phone in a Public Place shall first put on a sign, legible at fifty feet, with the user's cell phone and home number and the request "Call me if I am annoying you."  Such sign will be displayed on both the front and back of the user.



     


Whereas: