To: Members of the 2011-2012 Pulitzer Prize Board
709 Journalism Building
New York, NY 10027
You Ignorant, Negligent Swine:
Since 1917, your increasingly out-of-touch organization of so-called cultural arbiters has been awarding the most distinguished prize in American journalism, and at no point in that nearly century-long span have your thick, prestige-addled skulls been penetrated by the notion that perhaps it might finally be time to recognize the publication universally acknowledged as America's Finest News Source.
From this, one can only assume that the members of the Pulitzer Board are either flagrantly in bed with the fat cats of Big Journalism, legally blind, hopelessly stupid, or some astoundingly irresponsible combination of all three.
That is why I, a concerned citizen, am joining fellow justice-seekers at the media watchdog group Americans for Fairness in Awarding Journalism Prizes (AFAJP) to demand that you and your ambitiously moronic cohorts finally award The Onion the Pulitzer Prize it so richly deserves. To be perfectly frank, the fact that this has not yet happened, and that a form letter such as this requires sending in the first place, is an embarrassment not only to you and your families, but to our entire American way of life, which to the best of my knowledge is supposed to stand for values such as honesty, truth, and the commendation of the most deserving.
Perhaps if you were somehow able to disengage your sniveling faces from the tight confines of The New York Times's ass long enough to wipe Thomas Friedman's overrated shit from your eyes and take a look around you, you'd see that The Onion is universally esteemed%u2013by everyone from the U.S. Senate to the common street vagabond%u2013as the single most reliable, trustworthy, and relevant newspaper in the United States today.
Regardless, this summer marks the publication of The Onion's 1,000th issue, and I believe it is high time you and your sick, allegedly on-the-take little cabal of excellence-rapers woke the hell up and faced reality%u2013The Onion deserves one of your damned prizes way more than the simps you've been giving them to ever did, or ever will. How do I know this? Because I am astoundingly perceptive, moral, and intelligent.
Why? Because I read The Onion.