Duke v. Notre Dame

So here we are: a game between the two of the most reviled institutions in college athletics. We are informed that there are no circumstances under which they can both lose (unless they are both cheating, which judging by current records falls into the unlikely category).

In Sophie's Choice, a mother is forced to choose which one of her two children will live, and which will perish. Faced with a question that has no right answers, her only logical choice is to choose the one who is strongest and most likely to survive. As we -- and the majority of the nation -- are in the opposite position ("Please, take them both!"), it's clear that our only choice is to support the weaker program. Let's take a look:

Duke Blue Devils

Program Strengths:
  • Um, basketball?
  • Campus not located in Indiana.
Program Weaknesses:
  • -Coached by moron.
  • -Record since 1995: 20-122.
  • -No conference wins since 2004.
  • -Coached by moron.
  • -Mandated 30 years of pestilence and plague in return for giving Spurrier his coaching start.
  • -National (and local) apathy.
  • -Duke chicks.
Notre Dame Fightin' Irish

Program Strengths:
  • Innumerable traditions.
  • National alumni base, Catholic support.
  • "Earned" bowl spots 16 of the last 20 years, including 8 BCS-caliber bowls.
  • Gobs of money.
Program Weaknesses:
  • The fat man.
  • Notre Dame chicks.
  • Overwhelming sense of entitlement, even when objectively ugly or bad at football.
The choice is clear: Duke football is a rotting carcass, deader than dead. At best, the Devils aspire to a 3-8 season and a midweek telecast on ESPN -- hell, a conference win would set them dancing in the streets.

Touchdown Jesus and his merry band of Leprechauns, on the other hand ... well, they're on life support. In this analogy, the BCS and NBC are the doctors, squeezing the Irish onto weekly national television and snuff-film quality bowl games against SEC teams. As has been noted, all they have left is their dignity. Let's Schiavo this patient while we still can.

And on that note, let us band together, fight back the nausea, and say it in unison:

We the undersigned are united in our general dislike of both the Blue Devils and Fightin' Irish. In the interests of justice, truth, and the human right not to watch see Charlie Weis in HD every Saturday, we have decided to throw our lot behind you for the weekend. You may be the Devils, but they are the embodiment of true evil. For the next week, and that week only, you have our support.

And please, run up the score.
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