Demand that raccoons officially be renamed "trash pandas"!

My fellow American,

This is perhaps the most important petition that you will ever have the opportunity to sign. This is your opportunity to change the world for the better and to become part of a heroic cause.

This petition, if successful, will have the leader of the free world officially change the labeling of the raccoon species (Procyon lotor) to "trash panda".

They're not raccoons, Mr. President. They're trash pandas. End the madness.