Dear Canada: Please Annex Alaska

  • by: Anonymous
  • recipient: Prime Minister of Canada/Premier ministre du Canada Justin Trudeau, US Congress

Dear Prime Minister Trudeau and the Proud People of Canada,

Hi. This is Alaska, your neighbor to the northwest. How's it going? Things are pretty okay here, except you might have noticed that the United States has elected an orange-faced, xenophobic bigot as president whose leadership would surely devastate the economy and destabilize world politics. I don't know about you, but I'm a little concerned. Maybe you could help.

You see, we go way back. Our indigenous peoples shared land, trade, and language long before British, Russian, and American colonizers claimed the land and drew lines dividing cultures and families. Today, we share a commitment to the Arctic. We hold a deep appreciation for the outdoors and we don't merely tolerate our harsh winters, we embrace them. Our cities, towns, and villages are populated by a rainbow of diverse peoples who value tolerance and celebrate difference. We are deeply concerned by climate change and continue to strive for ways to utilize our vast natural resources while respecting the land and our planet.

Donald J. Trump is about to be in and I want out. Will you take me in? I'd bring a lot to the relationship:

North America's highest mountain.
Vast oil reserves.
An uninterrupted claim to North America's arctic coast.
The Alaska Permanent Fund.
A diversifying economy ranked 15th in the United States.
Scores of reality TV shows.
Generations of people raised on the ice and snow, adept at hockey, skiing, and curling.
You see, we're kind of perfect for one another, but I don't need an answer now. Take your time. Think about it. We have until January 20th.



PS - Before you even ask, Sarah Palin hardly even lives here anymore.

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