With all of the debate raging in the wake of the recent tragedies, we would like to call attention to another horrible assault on our American freedoms: The right to protect ourselves even if we don't like guns.
Some of us, you see, just don't care for the damn things, and not for those liberal hippy-dippy reasons either. Frankly, they're too heavy, expensive, and they don't go with our outfits. But why should that stop us from exercizing our god-given right to self-defense?
Therefore, we the undersigned, demand the right to carry deadly biological weapons on our persons which, when unleashed, will kill everyone within a 20' radius of our position -- except us, of course, because they'll be coded to our DNA.
Please understand: short-range portable deadly biological weapons are very safe, especially compared to the legal M134 General Electric Minigun, which can fire up to 166 bullets per second, or the 10 rounds per second of an AK 47 at an effective range of 400 meters. They are more in the realm of the much more common and easier-to-conceal Glock 23 Automatic with a 33-round high capacity magazine firing 30 rounds per minute, and we therefore believe it to be an adequate defense if some psycho were to draw one of those on us.
Other benefits abound: they are much less likely to "accidentally" go off. They remove one of the biggest causes of gun deaths; suicide. Since they'll be coded to our DNA, they will be a completely ineffective way for our depressed family members to off themselves.
Indeed, this is really more of a deterrent than anything else. After all, if everyone knows that everyone else is carrying around deadly biological weapons, no one will ever use them. Except criminals, of course, but they'll be quickly taken down by all the other people with deadly biological weapons.
Remember: If portable deadly biological weapons remain criminalized, only criminals will have portable deadly biological weapons.
